Methivational Speaker
by xXMethereaperXx
Summary: Lumpy decides everyone needs some motivation, with the help of Meth Foley! A tribute to Chris Farley.


I saw the beginning of the Chris Farley SNL on TV, and thought, why not honor him by making a series after his person, Matt Foley.

Did some thinking, and I can totally see Meth being a guy who, 'Lives in a van, down by the river.'

The first chapter will be closely related to his SNL Skit, where later chapters will most likely be original.

Ok, here's chapter one of, Meth-ivational Speaker.

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The large group mumbled as they were herded into the large room where chairs had already been arranged, facing the small platform at the front.

"Ugh, Can someone explain to me why we have to spend our only day off sitting in a white room?" Said Cuddles angrily while he took his seat.

"It's Lumpy's idea," Began Flaky, "He says we all could use some motivating."

"It's Flippy's fault we're here! If he didn't kill everything that moves, we'd all be out enjoying the day!" Sniffles yelled with disgust.

Flippy sat down and crossed his arms, "I do not!"

An ant scurries by and Flippy stamps his foot on it without thinking.

Everyone turns to look at him accusingly.

"What? You better turn around Sniffles, I accomplished a task you couldn't! How long is it you've been trying to kill those ants?"

"At least I try to kill ants, not friends!"

"Don't make me come up there and smack the blue off of you!"

Sniffles spins violently and yells, "I've had enough of your diatribe! Why don't you try it!"

Giggles turns to Petunia and asks, "What does Diatribe mean?"

Petunia shrugs and everyone already in the room begins to murmur quietly.

Sniffles sighs and motions for everyone to quit talking, "Look, let's just humor Lumpy. He's always trying to be nice, unless it's around christmas, so we listen to what this guy has to say, then we can get back to our day."

"Fine with me," Flippy says with a grunt.

Everyone nods as the doors burst open and Lumpy walks in dragging Toothy and Handy by their tails, "Ok everyone, take your seats and we can begin!" says Lumpy while he drags the two towards the group.

"No! Let me go! It's too nice a day to be in here!"

"Ok everybody," says Lumpy when Handy finally managed to climb into his seat, "I've noticed that everyone here always looks so gloomy, and can use some motivation! Especially you Flippy!"

there is a loud growl from the audience, but Lumpy continues onward.

"So, today I have arranged for a speaker to come here and hopefully set you on your course for the future! He's been in the basement, drinking coffee for the past six hours, so lets bring him out. His name is Meth Foley. Also, he used to bigger crowds, so don't be afraid to project."

Lumpy walks across the room to a door and opens it slowly.

"Meth! They're ready!"

No reply.

"Hello?"

A white bear emerges quickly and darts to the center of the platform.

"All right, how is everybody?" asks the bear as he pulls on his sunglasses and pushes his hair out of his bloodshot eyes.

He adjusts the pocket of his suit jacket and twitches briefly.

"Now, as your moose probably told you, I am Meth Foley, and I am a motivational speaker."

He claps his hands and says, "Now, let's get started with a little scenario of what my life is like! First off, I am thirty-five years old, I am divorced, and I live in a van down by the river!"

"Now, you kids are probably saying to yourselves, 'I'm gonna go out and get the world by the tail!'.

"Well, i'm here to tell you, that when you go out there, you ar probably not gonna amount to jack squat!"

Everyone looks at each other nervously as he continues.

"You're gonna end up eating a steady diet of government cheese, while you're living in a van down by the river!"

He points to Flaky and says, "Young man, what do you want to be?"

Flaky blinks and says, "Actually, i'm a-"

"What was that?"

She sighs and answers, "Actually, I kinda want to be a writer."

"Well, La De Frickin' Dah! We got ourselves a writer here!"

He walks over to Lumpy and points to Flaky, "Hey, is that William Shakespeare over there?"

"Well actually, she's a pretty good writer."

"I wish you could just shut that big yapper!"

"Now Flaky, from what I understand you don't use your paper for writing. You use it for rolling doobies!"

"What!" Flaky yelled in surprise.

"You're gonna be doin' a lot of doobie rolling, while you're living in a van, down by the river!"

He then turns to Flippy, "Young lady, what do you want to do with your life?"

Flippy smirks and replies, "I want to live in a van down by the river!"

This receives several chuckles, none of which Meth hears.

"Well, you'll have plenty of time to live in a van down by the river, when you're living in a van, down by the river!"

He walks back to the center of the room, "Well, I bet you're asking yourself, 'Hey Meth, how can I get back on the right track?'."

he turns back to Flaky, "Well, the only option I see is for me to go to my van down by the river, get my gear, because i'm gonna bunk with you buddy! We're gonna be buddies, we're gonna be pals, and we're gonna wrestle like a team of wild Humans!"

"Really?"

"All i'm asking is to be your shadow! There's you, there's me." he then points to two close spots on the floor.

He then jumps into a group of empty chairs, demolishing them.

"We'll have to clean that up later, cause we're pals, buddies, amigos!"

"I'm gonna go get my bags!" he says while he runs out of the room.

"Wait!" Flaky yells, "What are you talking about?"

Lumpy shrugs and says, "Are you feeling motivated?"

Sniffles nods and nudges Toothy, " Oh, yeah. We are very motivated."

Every one nods and feigns interest.

"Well, in that case-" Lumpy begins, but stops when Meth runs back into the room, carrying several backpacks.

"There we go! I'm tired of living in a van, down by the river!"

"Wait, What are you-?" Lumpy begins but stops when he walks into the storage closet and slams the door.

Lumpy shrugs and blocks the door with several chairs.

"I guess you can all run along then!"

Everyone quickly leaves the room and emerges into the sunny afternoon.

"Who's up for basketball?" asks Cuddles.

Everyone raises their hands except Flaky.

"I have to go home and clean the house for when my buddy gets there."

"Flaky, he was joking. Besides, he's insane!"

"Your just jealous that I have an Amigo! Whatever that is."

Flaky runs off while everyone sighs and begins to enjoy their day.

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Eh, isn't as funny as I thought it would be. Proly' stay a oneshot.

Anyway, thanks for reading, it just lacks Chris Farley's wild antics.

R.I.P Chris Farley.


End file.
